After two long, frustrating days of waiting we finally got the news Thursday 6/3/2010that Abigail is officially our daughter. Wow! What a feeling! Not unlike when the boys were born, I felt a sudden burden of responsibility and anxiousness. This precious little life will be completely dependant on me and Shawn and that is somewhat overwhelming. When she is hungry she will cry for us to feed her. When she is sick she will expect us to make it better. When her heart is broken she will look at us with those big, brown, amazing eyes and expect us to have the answers. Now I can say no matter if your child grew first in your belly or in your heart that overwhelming feeling of "God, can I do this? Help me do this!" is EXACTLY the same!
Holding her in our arms for the very first time is the next milestone in this journey. I have to admit that I am a little anxious about that first meeting. I can't wait, but I am nervous. In my dreams it is perfect. She looks at us with a contented, milky smile and she recognizes us. Then I wake up and realize that she is almost 6 months old and her life has been a pretty tough one so far. The truth is that she will prefer to be comforted by a caregiver in the foster care home rather than by a mom she has never met. We have been praying and wondering about her for several months...gazing at her photograph for several weeks. She won't recognize us at all. We are strangers to her and she will be uncomfortable with us at first. It makes me sad to think about it like that, but we are prepared to spend a lifetime getting to know her!
Joshua and Aaron are so excited! Joshua has been on almost every shopping trip and helped to select every article of clothing. Aaron, not so much with the shopping! He is more concerned about just getting her home, and called me every day at work this week at least twice asking if I had heard about the court date. Abigail is already so very loved.
Shawn has been pacing himself...I have been so "nutso" as he calls it that he is trying to keep a steady pace. Funny, it is eerily similar to right before when the boys were born when I was frantic to make sure everything was perfect. I distinctly remember getting angry with him because he didn't seem to be frantic enough! While I am busy obsessing over what we need in the diaper bag and what we will do if they lose our luggage he refuses to budge and puts one foot very deliberately in front of the other. The only time I have really seen him waver was this week when the agency kept putting us off about whether we passed court. Daddy was just mad those days and I knew enough to be quiet! At one point he said he was going to drive to Texas and sit in that office until they gave him the answer! Abigail is already so very loved.
You know, thinking back to when the boys were born and we brought them home. It was not perfect. They screamed for 24 hours because my breasts malfunctioned and we were forced to buy formula. They turned the prettiest shade of brown and I cried and begged until a home health nurse brought us bili lights on Christmas Eve. Four weeks later Aaron turned blue and was admitted through the emergency room for RSV. Shawn dropped little Joshy on the hospital floor that very night because we were so tired and sleep deprived. But, I remember it as being perfect. They were home and they were safe and they were ours.
Abigail, we can't wait to bring you home and make crazy memories. It will be your story, baby girl, written by God's own hand.
It will be perfect.